Death Trap

I find myself driving. The gas light has been on for days. How am I still moving? How am I able to comprehend a forward motion in this car? There is no direction given, only a forward motion. I struggle to throw the gear into reverse, but I look closely and I'm driving in a single geared car. Only goes forward. I slam the brake...nothing happens. I repeat this motion...nothing. Again...nothing. I'm getting frustrated and know that there must be another motion to this car. I know it. I just know it. When I decided to turn the car around. I realize that I don't have any control to this car. The steering wheel wont budge. I do everything to make this car do anything. I honk the horn, a small sound is made, and no one hears it. I try rolling down the windows but they are broken and stuck. I slam my fist on the window. The car speeds up. I scream and I scream...nothing happens. I to the back from the drivers seat and lay down. I pull my knees to my chest and scream as I try to bust out the side window. Nothing happens. I do it again. nothing happens. Again. I did it!! The window flies from the car and crashes against the paved road. The car speeds up. There seems to be no way out of this car...alive at least. I hesitate when I debate in my head if I should climb out of the car. I stick my head out the window like a dog would, but this is not a joyous occasion...I must get out. I finally climb out of the window to the top of the car. my eyes water as I look forward. the tears stream across the sides of my face. I have a death grip on the open window, gratefully this car is heading straight on a one way road. The car is far above 90 miles an hour. I look at the fast moving ground. Again I doubt this jump. I need to be safe. I need it. The wind flows through my clothes and I get a cool chill before I make the leap. I scream and I slowly fall to the ground I slowly fade away and suddenly find myself on my back sitting up in my own bed. My mouth was open, but nothing came out. My heart was beating and I look at my body. Nothing happened. I was dreaming...it was a dream. My heart still beats hard.

(Currently listening to Have Mercy on Me by The Black Keys)

Broken...broken

I fold over and feel like I'm going to puke. I cry but my tears are dry. I cant breathe. I cant fight the pain. I fall to my knees thinking that being on the ground, the lowest I could be, will make me feel better from this hell that haunts me. My eyes are searching and find nothing but darkness. Where has my sanctuary gone, where is the ease? I stand hoping that something will change, that this sickness will leave my stomach. I look upward and scream but not a sound is heard. I'm hyperventilating now, my mind feels faint. Maybe if I die I will feel the release of this pain that crushes my soul and heart. I move my hands over my heart and feel the slow, hard, unsteady beat. My heart will break through my chest and leave the pain that is possessing my body so. I stagger down the sidewalk with everyone living their fine lives, all eyes are on me. All see the pain. All see the pain but no one feels it like me. My eyes are still dry though I'm crying. My soul has dried up and whithered to a nothing. My being is a crumpled up sheet of white paper, that has easily been through aside and trampled underfoot. Where is the point of life? where is the love that was once inside? I try and ease my breathing. I try to easy my soul, but nothing happens. Nothing at all. I try and feel the wind, I try and enjoy the outside...but nothing seems to save me. nothing. I double over again, dry heave and nothing...it is as if there is nothing inside. nothing to release. One day this will leave. One day this will heal. My mind is in a constant circle. It cannot feel or think of anything else. Will you help me from my knees? Will you take this pain away? I need the love. I need the hand in hand. I need. Not want. I need.

(Currently listening to 'Meg White' by Ray LaMontagne)

So this is love...

There are four season living here in Utah. There are four separate memorable times that we can get together with our loved ones and enjoy mother nature. There are seasons for love, seasons for hate, seasons for joy and sadness. I have fallen in love with my season that was created by my sweet woman whom loves me as much as I do her. These are the greatest times that I have felt in all my existence. She makes me feel so much greater than I once was. She makes me smile and close my eyes as I do in the sweet crisp Autumn air. I feel her breathe as I do the seasonal winds. I feel the warmth then minute she looks and gives a moments thought towards me. I love being in love, but not just being in love. Being in love the woman of my dreams and feeling that miraculous love returned to me. Hannah is the light of world. Not once have I ever met such a Lady. We are what you see in the movies, what you hear about in songs, what you may occasionally see in public. We are love. This is the same love that you'll see in fifty years from now. We'll be the old couples that are holding hands in public and kissing under an old Aspen tree. That is the love that we bare. That is the love that we all seek. I wasn't searching for it at all. It just happened. Hannah wasn't looking for it either, and it was truly love at first sight. She makes me want to be a better person and do better in my studies. Being in love is like not caring what people think of you. It truly is the drive of your heart and creates huge feelings and makes you feel like you're on top of the world. Hannah is my Lady, and I am her Man. These are the best of days, and when the clouds come, we'll still have each other. Our love will never die.

I have a dream...

So last night I was totally sleeping on cloud nine...twas rad because yours truly was doing what he truly wants to do...writing music! ha yes it was totally amazing what I was doing. I dreamt about preforming my music which was a twist between Tim Reynolds and Dan Auerbach. I was the only performer. Didn't have a band. Just looped everything that I played. I started out jamming out the beat on the drums, after I got that recorded I started playing the bass...(I slapp-a-da bass) then after looping that I started to play a dirty guitar and pumping out phat solos that were soul striking. It truly was a dream come true and everybody just nodded and jammed with me to my music. Ah how it would be to make money off of my music. That is truly the American Dream. umm...so so good. Take it or leave it...or just love it. Peace

(Currently listening to Devil's Got a Holda Me by The Colour)

Old and Rusted Cadillac

New study habits...old study habits...and whatever study habits. These are what haunt me day in and day out. All I have to do is recognize. And love. And Do. humm...whenever I decide to try and tackle this 'study habit' I end up here. Writing and thinking about what to do what not to do, what to study, what not to study, who's awesome(that'll be me) and who's not...ugh my brain is so close-minded it makes me puke. Cucky. I guess its good, cause once its on the right track, I's does good. (Smiley faces all around) So my grade checks are comming up this next week, and I just need to do some good before then. I hope all is well. Hope my efforts are seen through an effing letter by my counselor. She'll tell me what I need to do, what not to do, if I need to drop a class. ugh Me no likey. The only worry I have is my BIO 1610 class that for some reason is retarded and doesn't want to aline to my mad study skills. If I had a handicapped brother, his name would be BIO 1610, and mine would be Luke Skywalker(cause that is just awesome). (And together we'd destroy the Lord Darthvadder). Seriously though, this class is fast paced and I am reading like none other. So much info that I need to retain...Its almost sickening and takes alot of my study time. BUT...it is freakishly necessary for my ed-ja-mication. So ya, that is what I am doing from now till two PM...umm so fun I know. PEace

(Currently listening to Empty by Ray LaMontagne)

My Lady

My daily second hand only ticks by the power of love. The love that so narrowly pierces my heart with such force that the internal bleeding of the 'wound' sooths my soul. The pain is good and drives me to live with a smile upon my face. Not a mask I wear. Not...A...mask. What I see is hurt and what I feel is compassion. My Lady is who pierces my soul. She is the one that creates the fluttering in my chest. Be mine for a time? Love me? Of course you do, you will, you are. God bless you. With the heat of my heart steaming with care, you so close can feel, and with you we come to one. This is us and this is where we'll be. The redness flows from your head and splashed down on your shoulders and ends with such power...what have you done to me?! Created a diamond from coal. These are the miracles you have created...this is your love. This is your home. Will you stay? I hope forever. My love for you is always. Constant. Insane I stand, hand in hand. The sky falls below our feet and lifts us to no where, but that no where is somewhere that you and I can only reach. There I am yours, and you are mine, and there we are always. Love...close your eyes. Love...feel my soul. Love...heal my heart.

(Currently listening to Southern Point by Grizzly Bear)

Smile

Here I lie in the wee hours of the morning contemplating life. Life as I know it...and how others have convinced we should know it. humm.. interesting. Have you ever taken a step back and observed your life? Do it if you haven't. Do it now. What is it that you see? What is it that you chose not to see? hum.. interesting. These are the days you need to feel the air flow through your hair, past your ears, life your coat. These are the days you need not move a muscle as you gracefully walk along the line of existence. These are...the times. The sky darkens as the sun rises. The grins are constant while you search their eyes. Light is no where but everywhere. The Love grows free as the rain soaks its roots. The lightening shows bits of hope in your times of trouble. Love is where we must stand. Love is what grows. Love is where one is transformed from an adolescent to an adult. Love is. Love....is. Be who you may, the sky is still grey...dug a hole and found a glow. Further I go and find the root. The roots from the Love. They glow with hope, but why buried? Why so deep in the earth where no light is shown? For the love is what drives us. Upon the hardened grown of life one is oblivious to this Love. One struggles to live. One dies in hate. You must acknowledge this absence of Love. You must search for it. It is always found where we least expect it. It is underfoot. Like always. Love is where the heart is. Love is me. Love is you. Smile and spare a root.

(Currently listening to Reservations by Wilco)